Struggling for freedom to live again, forced me to look at the road traveled over the past few years. I was a broken little girl hiding the many secrets of my past, now navigating through a marriage I was not ready to take on. How was I to be a wife and let my husband touch me when memories of the acts that were forced on me haunted my very being. Furthermore, how was I to tell the man I married that I may have married him for the wrong reasons? For fear of him not understanding and lashing out in rage, I just buried my feelings away.Contemplating my reasons for marriage I realized, perhaps for the first time, my tendency for co-dependent behaviors, such as my need to be rescued and depending on another for my happiness.
Wanting nothing more than peace in my heart, I started facing the demons of my past one by one. I read and studied every inspirational book that I could get my hands on and attended every church service that time would allow. I was growing strong and finding that there was hope and healing for a "broken" person like me.
Prayer helped me feel God's presence and guidance allowing Him to reveal the lessons that were hidden in my past. Prayer guided me to do something that seemed unnatural - "love my enemy." This paradoxical choice seemed contrary to my natural feelings until I really thought about it. If I want good for myself shouldn't I give the same to others? Now challenged with a profound choice when others act wrong or tempt me to do wrong I can either choose to love rather than hate,choose to build rather than tear down, choose to heal rather than hurt, choose to forgive rather than despise.
Striving forward, I could feel the re-generation of my soul; the goal of true healing from my abuse was close at hand. Learning to love my abusers took more effort then I ever could imagine, and now the next stage was set: "Forgive as you have been forgiven." Confused, I found myself asking: "What is forgiveness?" Is forgiveness completed when the pain of the horrible deeds my abusers imposed upon me is lifted? If absence of pain represents forgiveness of my abuser, healing was further away then I thought. Saddened, I felt this task too difficult to complete for my pain was too deep.
Longing that my healing be complete, I realized what I must do. I refused to shut down by the mere thought of what these abusers did to me, I sought to be free to heal. I cancelled the debt my abusers owed to me, which allowed forgiveness to flow and bitterness to cease. Allowing myself to follow God's guidance to shine through me instead of my abuser's pain became invigorating! As if a weight was lifted off my shoulders I felt a renewal of my confidence and strength. Healing was going to be mine!
Prayer helped me feel God's presence and guidance allowing Him to reveal the lessons that were hidden in my past. Prayer guided me to do something that seemed unnatural - "love my enemy." This paradoxical choice seemed contrary to my natural feelings until I really thought about it. If I want good for myself shouldn't I give the same to others? Now challenged with a profound choice when others act wrong or tempt me to do wrong I can either choose to love rather than hate,choose to build rather than tear down, choose to heal rather than hurt, choose to forgive rather than despise.
Striving forward, I could feel the re-generation of my soul; the goal of true healing from my abuse was close at hand. Learning to love my abusers took more effort then I ever could imagine, and now the next stage was set: "Forgive as you have been forgiven." Confused, I found myself asking: "What is forgiveness?" Is forgiveness completed when the pain of the horrible deeds my abusers imposed upon me is lifted? If absence of pain represents forgiveness of my abuser, healing was further away then I thought. Saddened, I felt this task too difficult to complete for my pain was too deep.
Longing that my healing be complete, I realized what I must do. I refused to shut down by the mere thought of what these abusers did to me, I sought to be free to heal. I cancelled the debt my abusers owed to me, which allowed forgiveness to flow and bitterness to cease. Allowing myself to follow God's guidance to shine through me instead of my abuser's pain became invigorating! As if a weight was lifted off my shoulders I felt a renewal of my confidence and strength. Healing was going to be mine!