The Art of Forgiving
Sitting peacefully watching my youngest daughter and her friends play endlessly in our yard I couldn’t help but notice their ability to effortlessly love and forgive each other and move on with their play no matter what the offense. Their ability to love and forgive reminded me of God’s love and forgiveness for us, His children! For me, learning to forgive and love as God does didn’t come easy. Step back in time with me if you will, as my journey unfolds.....
Looking back in time I can see my brother, sister, and me playing on the swings in our backyard as if it were yesterday. We lived in a cozy little red house that was across the street from the church we attended faithfully every Sunday. My brother and I were very close as we did everything together. He taught me how to climb trees, how to swim, how to catch snapping turtles, and my favorite – catching bugs! Our family seemed ok, at least from the outside. We enjoyed taking trips; we spent holidays together, and had such wonderful birthday parties. I remember this one Christmas when there were so many gifts surrounding the tree that you could not even see the floor.
Abruptly things began to change. The fun that our family shared was replaced with loud arguments that my parents had on a daily basis. I watched sadly as my family began to fall apart. My laughter was turned to tears, when my father began to stay away from our home, working more and more each day. I loved my father; he was such a big part of my life. Not long after the arguments began, my brother and I were told that our parents would be getting a divorce. This is when my life changed on a whole new level. Upon divorcing, my parents went their separate ways, moving us from the home and church we had grown to love.
Still not healed from her previous marriage, mother met a man and quickly remarried. My little sister took to our stepfather with open arms for she longed to have a father figure in our home once again. My brother on the other hand wanted nothing to do with him, angered by the replacement of our father. As for me, I was not sure how to feel for my stepfather looked at me differently then he looked at my brother and sister. I just could not put my finger on why. As time moved on, my eyes were opened to his intentions – he was a sex offender.
His advances came on a daily basis, forcing me to complete acts that were meant for the marriage bed alone. My innocence was permanently lost. I felt dirty and alone, being too young to understand all that was happening to me, which caused me to withdraw. My stepfather told me that the things that he wanted me to do were just his way of showing me that he loves me. I was promised that if I ever told anyone, they would never believe me so I should not even waste my time trying. He also promised that if I ever told my mother he would hurt her! I was so confused! Was this how step-parents loved their nine year old step children?
Growing older came with difficult challenges. With my body changing, my stepfather’s abuse grew stronger. I blamed my mother for what was happening, for if she would not have married my stepfather, none of this would be happening. A great void began to develop in our relationship. I found myself wanting nothing more than to be back at the church of my youth, to feel the arms of my loving God around me once again to direct my path and to lead me to a place of healing. In Luke 9:11 (NIV) God’s word speaks of this healing as the crowds pursued Jesus to heal them “He welcomed them and spoke to them about the kingdom of God, and healed those who needed healing.”
My adult years were quickly upon me bringing with it many questions. Would I be able to move forward into the life that God wanted for me? Would I be able to forgive my abuser? Can my relationship with my mother be mended? I wanted nothing more than to be healed from abuse of my past. I diligently prayed, asking for God’s love to surround me. God hearing my prayers began guiding me to what I was to do next – “love my enemy” as Jesus commanded in Matthew 5:43-44 (NIV). Now challenged with a profound choice to love rather than hate, to build rather than to tear down, to heal rather than destroy, to forgive rather than despise, and to please God rather than please those around me. Now more than ever, I needed God’s spirit of power and strength! Seeing the task at hand I began my quest to “love my enemy and do good to them for then will my reward be great.” (Luke 6:35 NIV). How was I to do these supernatural acts? How could I love the man who raped me? I could not do this on my own accord, I needed to love my abuser through God’s unconditional love and see him the way God sees him – a sinner in need of a savior!
Learning to love my abuser and see him as God see’s him took more effort than I ever could imagine, as God commanded me to “Forgive as you have been forgiven (Matthew 6:14 NIV).” What is forgiveness? I looked to God and his example and what I found was that in the midst of my sin my grieving God met me where I was, cancelling my debt so I could live eternally with him (Luke 23:34 NIV). Although my wrong doing hurt God, he forgave me, carrying no bitterness towards me. Therefore, even though my abuser hurt me, I was to meet him where he was, carry no bitterness and forgive him!
Difficult as it was, I pressed forward with each painful step, allowing God to guide me to the final prize: PEACE! Peace to live again, to love my family and be loved; to smile as each new day dawned. Peace that only comes from letting go of bitterness and anger left behind by my abuser.
Looking back in time I can see my brother, sister, and me playing on the swings in our backyard as if it were yesterday. We lived in a cozy little red house that was across the street from the church we attended faithfully every Sunday. My brother and I were very close as we did everything together. He taught me how to climb trees, how to swim, how to catch snapping turtles, and my favorite – catching bugs! Our family seemed ok, at least from the outside. We enjoyed taking trips; we spent holidays together, and had such wonderful birthday parties. I remember this one Christmas when there were so many gifts surrounding the tree that you could not even see the floor.
Abruptly things began to change. The fun that our family shared was replaced with loud arguments that my parents had on a daily basis. I watched sadly as my family began to fall apart. My laughter was turned to tears, when my father began to stay away from our home, working more and more each day. I loved my father; he was such a big part of my life. Not long after the arguments began, my brother and I were told that our parents would be getting a divorce. This is when my life changed on a whole new level. Upon divorcing, my parents went their separate ways, moving us from the home and church we had grown to love.
Still not healed from her previous marriage, mother met a man and quickly remarried. My little sister took to our stepfather with open arms for she longed to have a father figure in our home once again. My brother on the other hand wanted nothing to do with him, angered by the replacement of our father. As for me, I was not sure how to feel for my stepfather looked at me differently then he looked at my brother and sister. I just could not put my finger on why. As time moved on, my eyes were opened to his intentions – he was a sex offender.
His advances came on a daily basis, forcing me to complete acts that were meant for the marriage bed alone. My innocence was permanently lost. I felt dirty and alone, being too young to understand all that was happening to me, which caused me to withdraw. My stepfather told me that the things that he wanted me to do were just his way of showing me that he loves me. I was promised that if I ever told anyone, they would never believe me so I should not even waste my time trying. He also promised that if I ever told my mother he would hurt her! I was so confused! Was this how step-parents loved their nine year old step children?
Growing older came with difficult challenges. With my body changing, my stepfather’s abuse grew stronger. I blamed my mother for what was happening, for if she would not have married my stepfather, none of this would be happening. A great void began to develop in our relationship. I found myself wanting nothing more than to be back at the church of my youth, to feel the arms of my loving God around me once again to direct my path and to lead me to a place of healing. In Luke 9:11 (NIV) God’s word speaks of this healing as the crowds pursued Jesus to heal them “He welcomed them and spoke to them about the kingdom of God, and healed those who needed healing.”
My adult years were quickly upon me bringing with it many questions. Would I be able to move forward into the life that God wanted for me? Would I be able to forgive my abuser? Can my relationship with my mother be mended? I wanted nothing more than to be healed from abuse of my past. I diligently prayed, asking for God’s love to surround me. God hearing my prayers began guiding me to what I was to do next – “love my enemy” as Jesus commanded in Matthew 5:43-44 (NIV). Now challenged with a profound choice to love rather than hate, to build rather than to tear down, to heal rather than destroy, to forgive rather than despise, and to please God rather than please those around me. Now more than ever, I needed God’s spirit of power and strength! Seeing the task at hand I began my quest to “love my enemy and do good to them for then will my reward be great.” (Luke 6:35 NIV). How was I to do these supernatural acts? How could I love the man who raped me? I could not do this on my own accord, I needed to love my abuser through God’s unconditional love and see him the way God sees him – a sinner in need of a savior!
Learning to love my abuser and see him as God see’s him took more effort than I ever could imagine, as God commanded me to “Forgive as you have been forgiven (Matthew 6:14 NIV).” What is forgiveness? I looked to God and his example and what I found was that in the midst of my sin my grieving God met me where I was, cancelling my debt so I could live eternally with him (Luke 23:34 NIV). Although my wrong doing hurt God, he forgave me, carrying no bitterness towards me. Therefore, even though my abuser hurt me, I was to meet him where he was, carry no bitterness and forgive him!
Difficult as it was, I pressed forward with each painful step, allowing God to guide me to the final prize: PEACE! Peace to live again, to love my family and be loved; to smile as each new day dawned. Peace that only comes from letting go of bitterness and anger left behind by my abuser.